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A cannibal wasn't feeling too well, so he went to see the witch
doctor.
"Doc", he says, "I've had a bad tummy ache the last couple of days."
"Hmm", says the Doc, "perhaps it's someone you ate. What have you eaten
lately?"
"Well", says the cannibal, "I had a monk just last week. He was a tall man,
in a long brown robe. We boiled him and ate him."
"Ahh", said the Doctor. "That's your problem. You boiled this guy, but he
was a friar!"
What do you have if a clairvoyant midget escapes from prison?
A small, medium at large.
Former South Vietnames President Thieu was having to beat feet out of Vietnam about the same time Juan Peron was going back to Argentinia. The CIA bought Peron's villa in Costa del Sol, Spain for President Thieu.
The reason they gave was what the hell...... Thieu could live as cheaply as Juan...
What did the frog seller say to the Hearing impaired man (pc)?
WANT TO BUY A FROG!!!! <---(A little more effective real-time)
The Pope is visiting DC and President Clinton takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the pres. yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Clinton waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Clinton then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is "Clinton Can't Swim."
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny.
"A little boy needed $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to forward the letter to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God,
Thank You very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."
Did you hear that Tom Hanks has signed a deal to star in a new movie about Michael Fay? (He's the American kid who was "caned" in Singapore.)
The title of the movie? Sorest Rump
Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a tractor salesman?
He came home from work and found a John Deere letter on the kitchen table.
A man walking along a beach finds a bottle and rubs it and a genie pops out. "I can grant you three wishes, " says the genie, "but what ever you ask for, your Mother-in-Law gets *twice* whatever you get."
Undaunted, the man asks for $100 million. The genie says, "OK, your Mother-in-Law gets $200 million." Next the man asks to be made extremely attractive and popular with the opposite sex. "Your Mother-in-Law will be twice as attractive and twice as popular," says the genie.
Finally, the man says, "Now beat me half to death."
One day Jesus Christ and Moses were playing a round of golf. After Moses teed up and drove a ball almost perfectly down the center of the fairway, Jesus stepped up and promptly hooked a ball out into a nearby lake. Moses looked at Jesus and asked him, "want me to split the water for you?" Jesus declined the offer, proclaiming that it was something he had to do on his own. So, there Moses stood as he watched Jesus walk out on the water to fetch his ball. Meanwhile, some other golfers approached, asking Moses if they could play through. "Sure," he said, "I'm just waiting for my friend to get his ball." The golfers looked toward the lake and saw Jesus walking on the water. One of the golfers shook his head in disbelief and said, "who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replied Moses, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
An American is vacationing in Spain, and has just sat down to dinner in a fancy restaurant. Suddenly, he sees all the waiters parade out of the kitchen and, with great flourish, set a platter before one of the diners. On the plate he can see some sort of large, oval objects. The diner looks very pleased, and with the fanfare over, the waiters go back to their normal routines.
As his waiter passes his table, the American asks, "What's the deal with the huge presentation over that guy's meal?"
"Oh, senor," the waiter says, "That man has ordered the most expensive thing on our menu. Of course we make much celebration when someone orders it!"
"Well, then," the American says, "I want the same thing. Money is no object."
"I'm sorry, sir," the waiter says, "There was only one order to serve today. You see, when the bullfighters kill a bull, they remove his, uh, 'family jewels' and that's what we serve. There was a bullfight today, but only one matador presented us with this delicacy."
"Oh, I see... kind of like 'Rocky Mountain oysters'!" the guy says, and the waiter looks at him oddly.
"Whatever. But there is another bullfight next Thursday... come back then, and we'll make sure to reserve this delicacy for you."
So the next Thursday, the American goes back to the restaurant and is seated. As the waiter promised, a procession of apron-clad men march out of the kitchen with a platter held high. It is set before the American, and the lid removed.
"Hey! What's this?" the man exclaims. "This is nothing like what I saw that other guy get... these are so... small! He had a huge plate of food last time! What happened?"
"Well, senor..." the waiter said, "Sometimes the _bull_ wins the fight..."
The Department of Consumer Protection has determined that compasses made by the Tates company are defective. They will appear to work normally, but can malfunction without warning. This has led to several documented cases of hikers losing their way when they relied on a Tates compass.
In short, you should be advised.....
He who has a Tates is lost.
A stray dog, who has been hanging around outside bars and restaurants turning over trash cans for food, finally gets caught by an angry bartender. The bartender chases him with a knife, and cuts off his tail. The poor little doggy loses so much blood, that he dies. When he tries to enter heaven, he is told that all pets must have all of their body parts to enter. He is sent back to earth to find his tail.
Now it is very late, but the dog goes back to the bar and finds that, even though it is 1:00 a.m., the bartender is still inside cleaning up for the night. The dog scratches on the door and barks loudly.
"Go away" shouts the angry bartender.
"But you don't understand," says the dog (who can talk now that he is dead), "I'm dead and I need my tail back to get into heaven."
"I can't help you," says the bartender.
"We don't re-tail spirits after midnight."
A teenager walker into a drug store. After much hemming and hawing, he sheepishly told the druggist that he wanted a box of condoms. "That will be $5.00", the druggist said,"Plus tax."
"TACKS !!!" the boy exclaimed," Don't you have the kind that stay on by themselves?"
A young boy wanted a special gift for Christmas and decided that his chances for getting it would be improved if he wrote a letter to Jesus. He sat down at the table and wrote, "Dear Jesus, If I get the gift I want for Christmas I will be nice to my mother for a whole year."
He looked at the letter and decided that a year was an awfully long time. He tore up the letter and tried again. "Dear Jesus, If I can have the gift I want I'll do whatever Dad asks for 6 months."
He read that letter and felt that six months was still a long time. So he tore up the second letter too. Then he took the family's statue of the Virgin Mary outside, dug a hole, put the statue in it and covered it up.
He started the letter a third time. "Dear Jesus, If you ever want to see you mother again...."
So, God brings Clinton, Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his office and says "Men, I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday. I want you to go back and tell your people."
Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says, "People of America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years we've been saying "One Nation Under God" we've been right -- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday."
Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says, "Brave Comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there realy is a God. The other bad news is that he is going to destroy the world in Thursday."
Bill Gates calls a board meeting at Microsoft. "I have good news and good news !!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them. The other good news is that OS/2 stops shipping on Thursday."
So ... this rich guy goes out to purchase the finest car he can find. After a week of searching he walks into a dealer who shows him a car that stands out from the rest -- for its sound system. This was no ordinary sound system. Oh, it had the usual high-quality speakers, the excellent amplifiers and all that. But it had more. The sound system responded to voice commands. So he buys the car and takes it home. The next day he takes the long way to the corporate offices so he can enjoy his car -- and its sound system.
To wake himself up, he says "rock'n'roll." The system immediately begins playing loud rock music. Once he's into a groove, he mellows out by saying "classical," and the system responds flawlessly. He says "jazz," and again the system works perfectly.
Suddenly, a car swerves across three lanes of the freeway, nearly causing a 20-car pileup, and our car owner yells, "JERK!"
And Rush Limbaugh starts playing on the sound system.
A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer.
At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin): " Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have stopped working and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look."
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it may take as long as 5 years.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? That depends. Does the bulb have medical insurance?
How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to chase away the Californians who've come to share the experience.
How many Eugenians does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to talk about how they used to do it in the sixties.
And finally, how many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to turn it most of the way, and the other to give it the final twist.
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